Get lost

Yes, maybe I am lost. This is not my place, not my world and truly - not my paradise & will never be, but I try to do my best. It's a cruel world. Too cruel and cold for my soul and heart. This is not my game I am playing. It's yours. A game that I am forced to play. I am afraid to trust, afraid to love, afraid to feel loved 'cos it all will fade away so I am afraid to dream and believe in anything TRUE, in anything true like love. Once I thought I've found the one everlasting feeling which'd make me feel so fine, keep me going on. Now it's only a memory which is haunting my past hopes, daring them to come alive time after time. I know all is lost. And yes, you know I got lost with all my feelings, lost in life. I'm trying to feel, to love, to get away from my fears. You'll never understand how much it hurts to feel this weak - too weak to get away. And it hurts to be lost. Boys and girls come and go. Wounds remain. Everyone enjoys playing this game, everyone - not me. You'll always want to have me, kiss me, love me and you always wind up fucking my scars. The end is always near, you never make it be so true, you always let me down, always make me feel so disappointed. One another lie - it's not me, it's you! You, people! You, the World!!! So don't judge me for being lost! You left me in this borken place. It's not my fault that I have to play with such a crazy mask on. You've put it on my face. The mask of being so drunk & high. Yeah, let's get fucking stoned - this is the only shelter. (Of course, it's not about a party-time, not about something good...it's about times when you wake up and there's no other way to dream the world away but pouring another drink to feel numb again so you don't have to care about the world.) You don't have to care about me. If I'm too weak to leave then I am strong enough to continue your game. So let's play, in the end we all go away. I am lost. I really couldn't care less about.

"When my life's going numb
I just keep moving my mouth
I just keep moving my feet
I say I'm loving you to death
Like I'm losing my breath
And all the smiles that I wear
And all the games that I play
And all the drinks that I mix
And I drink until I'm sick
And all the faces I make
And all the shapes that I throw
And all the people I meet
And all the words that I know
Makes me sick to the heart
Oh I feel so tired...
And the way the rain comes down hard...
That's how I feel inside..."

Extra special thanks go to: my family, HIM, Freya, Timee, Lully, Dóri, LAM & Hinder, Gothica, Peti & Adél, Chrys and all my dear friends I didn't mention but I keep in my heart (for making it real for a while)!!!

Vampires smile...

"Nothing's gonna stop us, let the bad times roll"

Thanks for the cd my angellove!!!

Resurresction

I could resurrect myself from death. Back from the end.
It was so f*ckin hard...again I feel stronger and harder, somehow I can easily say "fuck that".

"You have let me down
You have left me cold
You don't understand
You haven't won
You've begun
It's begun
The beginning of the end"