How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.

- Mark Twain

A new glass of pure water

5 more days in the trap of the lake which, honestly and without a doubt, is a really nice place to be. Calm, peaceful and safe. But who wants to be safe, who wants peaceful, who wants to live a life where the contrasts are barely seen anymore? I've always been trying to push myself closer and over the edge.

5 more days in the life of the person I am today.

1 month to wait until the actual beginning of the life of the person I'll be tomorrow.

New adventures ahead - adventures that'll take me a lot of thoughtfulness and courage but hell yeah there is absolutely nothing to lose.

Alone

Good. I can live with it, I think. I have grown so absolutely and wonderfully super cold that losing my faith (again) didn't hurt that much. This time. I mean, hello I didn't even see it was coming because it came right out of nowhere! It's all about these ugly seconds. Minutes. Hours. Once I love you, the other time I don't. One time you can warm me up - even the idea of you touching my face is good enough to melt me fucking away. The picture of you and I talking...just talking - this picture in my head brings so good memories that I feel like I could do this for ever and ever, without regretting anything. That I could lie forever. That I could forgive forever. We promised nothing to each other, did we? Nope. So, I really don't have the right to ask anything, to expect anything. What happens when you start diving deeper? You don't want to, you know you can't but it's not your god damn mind and brain what decides. And since I do know you, I also know that you you're the only person on this planet who never fails and always walks the path of rational thinking. You have wild moments - true - but I can't keep you wild. I know I shouldn't have ever tried. This is how you chose to grow old. And I am pretty fucking okay with that. You will always be important. You will always be a true friend. It's not you, it's me, it's not your fault, it's mine -- look at my past and see how damaged my heart is -- that's why I simply don't want to see things the way they truly are. You never meant to hurt me, I know that and please don't ever think I'm angry or anything. It's my life I am angry with; that once again I got hooked up with the wrong person. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, that you are a wrong person - it's just that you are not for me. Or not for me, yet. Oh how I wish that "yet" could hold the meaning of this whole sh*t. I am okay, don't worry. I have automatically turned colder and not because I wanted to. It's some kind of fucked up basic instinct. And instincts protect us, no matter what. No-one likes falling in love alone.