10/28/2009

Happy Autumn

"I remember, I remember
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky:
It was childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from Heaven
Than when I was a boy."
(Hood - Remember, remember)


O Saw ye not fair Ines?  
She's gone into the West,
To dazzle when the sun is down,
And rob the world of rest:
She took our daylight with her,
The smiles that we love best,
With morning blushes on her cheek,
And pearls upon her breast.




O turn again, fair Ines,
Before the fall of night,
For fear the moon should shine alone,
And stars unrivall'd bright;
And blessed will the lover be
That walks beneath their light,
And breathes the love against thy cheek
I dare not even write!



Would I had been, fair Ines,
That gallant cavalier,
Who rode so gaily by thy side,
And whisper'd thee so near!
Were there no bonny dames at home,
Or no true lovers here,
That he should cross the seas to win
The dearest of the dear?



I saw thee, lovely Ines,
Descend along the shore,
With bands of noble gentlemen,
And banners waved before;
And gentle youth and maidens gay,
And snowy plumes they wore;
It would have been a beauteous dream,
--If it had been no more!



Alas, alas, fair Ines,
She went away with song,
With Music waiting on her steps,
And shoutings of the throng;
But some were sad, and felt no mirth,
But only Musics wrong,
In sounds that sang Farewell, Farewell,
To her you've loved so long.



Farewell, farewell, fair Ines,
That vessel never bore
So fair a lady on its deck,
Nor danced so light before,--
Alas, for pleasure on the sea,
And sorrow on the shore!
The smile that blest one lover's heart
Has broken many more!

(Hood - Fair Ines)


One more Unfortunate,
Weary of breath,
Rashly importunate,
Gone to her death!

Take her up tenderly,
Lift her with care;
Fashion'd so slenderly
Young, and so fair!

Look at her garments
Clinging like cerements;
Whilst the wave constantly
Drips from her clothing;
Take her up instantly,
Loving, not loathing.

Touch her not scornfully;
Think of her mournfully,
Gently and humanly;
Not of the stains of her,
All that remains of her
Now is pure womanly.

Make no deep scrutiny
Into her mutiny
Rash and undutiful:
Past all dishonour,
Death has left on her
Only the beautiful.


Still, for all slips of hers,
One of Eve's family—
Wipe those poor lips of hers
Oozing so clammily.

Loop up her tresses
Escaped from the comb,
Her fair auburn tresses;
Whilst wonderment guesses
Where was her home?

Who was her father?
Who was her mother?
Had she a sister?
Had she a brother?
Or was there a dearer one
Still, and a nearer one
Yet, than all other?

Alas! for the rarity
Of Christian charity
Under the sun!
O, it was pitiful!
Near a whole city full,
Home she had none.

Sisterly, brotherly,
Fatherly, motherly
Feelings had changed:
Love, by harsh evidence,
Thrown from its eminence;
Even God's providence
Seeming estranged.

Where the lamps quiver
So far in the river,
With many a light
From window and casement,
From garret to basement,
She stood, with amazement,
Houseless by night.

The bleak wind of March
Made her tremble and shiver;
But not the dark arch,
Or the black flowing river:
Mad from life's history,

Glad to death's mystery,
Swift to be hurl'd—
Anywhere, anywhere
Out of the world!

In she plunged boldly—
No matter how coldly
The rough river ran—
Over the brink of it,
Picture it—think of it,
Dissolute Man!
Lave in it, drink of it,
Then, if you can!

Take her up tenderly,
Lift her with care;
Fashion'd so slenderly,
Young, and so fair!

Ere her limbs frigidly
Stiffen too rigidly,
Decently, kindly,
Smooth and compose them;
And her eyes, close them,
Staring so blindly!

Dreadfully staring
Thro' muddy impurity,
As when with the daring
Last look of despairing
Fix'd on futurity.

Perishing gloomily,
Spurr'd by contumely,
Cold inhumanity,
Burning insanity,
Into her rest.—
Cross her hands humbly
As if praying dumbly,
Over her breast!

Owning her weakness,
Her evil behaviour,
And leaving, with meekness,
Her sins to her Saviour!

(Hood - The bridge of sighs)

Once upon a midnight dreary...

Próbáljuk meg magyarul, hátha sikerül. ... ... ...Egy.értelmes.szó.nem.jut.az.eszembe. Egy értelmes gondolat, amivel kezdeni lehetne, és már automatikusan váltanék is angolra. De miért? (Mert véd és eltakar.) - Mekkora hülyeség. Bármit is csinálok, magyarul mindig hatásosabban érinti a szívemet bármilyen szó, mint akármelyik másik nyelven. Hiába...mégis csak az anyanyelvünkön tanulunk meg élni. :) 
Tényleg gondolkozóba estem, mit mesélhetnék és miközben a körömlakkom maradványait kapargatom le (és egy gyilkos légy bele szállt a fájdalomcsillapítóval meghintett teámba) észreveszem, hogy már a harmadik szál cigimet szívom, mióta belekezdtem a nagy kitálalásba. Annyira lesz nagy, amennyire az agyam felfogja, amit ő itt belül érez, hiszen tudtommal inkább csupa-lélek vagyok, mint racionális. 
Volt egy Into the Darkness és egy Gyöngyvér. Mindkettő után úgy csorgattam a nyálam, mint kutya a csont után, és mindkettő elmúlt. Miért múlik mindig minden olyan gyorsan el? Szenvedsz hónapokat, hogy végre ott legyél és aztán huss. Gyöngyvér őszi turné lemondva. Tehát a tél minden szempontból igencsak beköszöntött. Pár nap múlva még járunk egy szellemtáncot, aztán decemberig csend legyen! Burkolózz jégbe, ködbe és zúzmarába. Ez lesz. És gyertyalánggal és forralt borral metsd magad a fagyhaláltól. :) A tél, kérem szépen, igenis gyöngyörű! Mindig megtanít arra, hogy a legnagyobb hidegeket is túléled. Vele együtt a mániás depressziódat is, amit az életed sikeresen vegyített a sociofóbiával. De nem félünk. Felismertük és ez jó. Bár nem hiszem, hogy a hirtelen düh- és pánikrohamokon ez sokat változtat, mégis talán könnyebb lesz még azelőtt elfojtani a robbanást, mielőtt szétterjedne a vérben. Kisebb robbanásokat csinálni. A mélyből kicsit magasabbat, a magasból kicsit mélyebbet varázsolni. És kimondani azt, ami fáj. Megmozdulni. Önmagamnak lenni. Utánozhatatlanul, istenigazából önmagamnak


"A hazug élet legszörnyűbb átka, hogy kilopja mindenből a valóságot, a tartalmat, ami körülöttünk van, és amit az ég lelkünk táplálékául és öröméül alkotott. Aki hazugságban él, annak az egész világ hamis, semmivé zsugorodik a kezében."


ps. I am a pro at writing in Hungarian! :)

10/21/2009

Kingsized darkness

Inspiration comes at night. Sunday evening was awesome and long-awaited. We did not miss the bus, so cool. So we went to get something to drink, arrived at Timee's around 4 and got stoned in 1,5 hours then we were off to the club. Missed the Drugzone show - shame on us! We just couldn't make it, were running but not too fast. Okay, I can't remember everything clearly. We were laughing all night long and you better believe it. It was the best day of this sad autumn. Being with Timee again, kissing that little sweetened fruitcake made me feel like I am on the top of the world and no-one can ever fight me off. Being with Timee, Cicu, Dóri, Nina was the best experience ever! God how I miss them. How I miss partying with my girls. Timee, I still have glitters in my hair you h00r ;)
Lacrimas fucking Profundere: rocked the hell out of the world, or at least, me. :) Röbi was nice again and damn, man, you gave me the Lost cd, bingo! Thanks for the autograph and the little talk. I was really sad to hear that Lost no longer exist though I completely understand you had no time for another project. God, only thinking back of what I felt during the concert sends shivers down my spine now, thank you for being such a fantastic and perfect rock n sad band. The only band that makes me want to shake my ass and not cut my veins. The only band that mixed rock n roll with gothic in a way that can shake your soul and leave you craving for more. That's a talent. And I am wishing you all the best in the future. ;)
Deathstars: I felt like being in the middle of a hot porn movie and I liked it. This time I was sure I'd have danced 'till I dropped dead and screamed like there was no tomorrow, I am lucky I still have my voice. Guys, thank you for being such an erotic vision as a band. Oooo and Whip just said that we always are the best crowd ever, yeppp Hungarians rule.
And all my sweet friends that were holding my hand 2 nights ago...thank you for ruling so hard! <3
Good night.electric.night!

ps. Sorry for this lousy entry, I am drained, tired and eyes are closing, brain not working - or maybe Sunday night just fucked me so hard that I am still recovering...

10/20/2009

Try harder to read my mind

Disease in my veins. I am eternally sad and empty every now and then I feel like shit and can't control myself. Now I am up then down and crush like never before. Want to break this glass that I am holding in my hands before I'd bite it so hard that my lips would bleed. The heart inside me is craving to beat its very last. About 6 yrs ago the doctor said it was depression consuming me. Now I know it's bipolar disorder - still keep growing inside. Don't tell me I am weak or that my life is not worthy. I want to change but do you know how it feels to realize after 6 good months that the shitty part is far from over??!! And you keep telling me it's not understandable. So go on and cut me I couldn't care less - since I feel so cold cold and cold now.

10/12/2009

We are so bad yet it feels so good

"From time to time her eyes get wide
And she's always got them stuck on me
I'm surprised at how hot honey-coloured and hungry she looks
And I have to turn away to keep from bursting
Yeah I feel that good!
She slips from the stage
A foot no more
But it seems to take an hour for her to reach the floor
And the two chord cool still grooves
As she slides towards me smooth as a snake
I can't swallow I just start to shake
And I just know this is a big mistake
Yeah but it feels good!

Do it to me! do it to me! do it to me! do it to me!
Do it to me! do it to me! do it to me!

"if you want I can take you on another kind of ride... "
"believe me I would but... "
Deep inside the 'but' is 'please'
I am yearning for another taste
And my shaking is 'yes'

"you will be all the things in the world you've never been
See all the things in the world you've never seen
Dream all the things in the world you've never dreamed... "
But I think I get a bit confused...
Am I seducing or being seduced?

Oh I know that tomorrow I'll feel bad
But I really couldn't care about that
She's grinning singing spinning me round and round
Smiling as I start to fall
Her face gets big her face gets small
It's like tonight I'm really not me at all
And it feels good!

Do it to me! do it to me! do it to me! do it to me!
Do it to me! do it to me! do it to me!

It feels good!"



This is all I have to say because this is how we play the game.

10/09/2009

Why does it hurt me like this...

"But there are long long nights when I lay awake
And I think of what I've done
Of how I've thrown my sweetest dreams away
And what I've really become
And however hard I try
I will always feel regret
However hard I try
I will never forget"